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Actually, I hated this day. Not necessarily because it's my birthday but because of the day itself.

Before I had my restday, I let my patience get screwed up by the "Crab Mentality" people. Those are people who cannot achieve their goal through hard work, so instead of persistence, they pull others down. Let's call them – x. Although most of my colleagues are x, there are few who know how to respect other's success.

I've always tolerated those x who give snide comments about me, but somehow, hearing how vocal they could be about their mentality (even if they've delivered it through a form of joke) - it got to me. I know that the only way to go from UP is DOWN. But I'd rather go down because I know that my colleagues performed well or because I actually made a mistake, rather than be looked at closely for my flaws. As what one of my colleagues (whose currently doing well with the thank you notes) commented, "ganyan ba talga sa team nyo? Naghihilaan."

The day after that, I got a good rest. I'm happy not to be around them. Then, this day came. I do enjoy being with most of my colleagues. However, whenever I remember or see those x, I feel like I'm working in a place full of posers. They smile, I smile back. They hate me, I hate their way of thinking.

Now, somehow, they affected my work. I couldn't think clear and I got a headache. Those x should party, coz I feel that I've failed to do my work properly today. Hooray for them!

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Yes, for the Nth time, he made the decision to choose his friends over me. I can’t believe he left me hanging for almost an hour (45 mins or so) because he thought that it would be better to leave that girl alone for another number of minutes just because of pictures. Hey, I’m just a stupid girl who thought that he’ll leave that boy to have fun with his friends. I’m just that girl who always thinks what’s best for that boy. And yet, everything meant nothing.

You see, we went to a reunion of his class (not even his real class). He’s the only one who brought someone with him. He was stuck in a corner with me because he knows I’ll feel left out. So I decided to leave him there so he could have fun. He’s been very busy for the past week and I want him to have fun. I left my celphone at their home, and since he’s so afraid to give me his celphone, we decided to meet at exactly 7pm to a place. (Yup! Afraid.. ok, more of worried. I told him to delete any texts that he thinks I’ll see. but he gave me that ‘look’. So I didn’t push it. I know he's been texting her and her.)

I watched a movie by myself (nothing much to do in a mall) then I went to watch the program in the mall. I gave an extra 15 mins before going to the meeting place, just in case he decided to have additional time with his friends. I got to the meeting place. I almost finish a whole book. Then I realize how ungrateful he could be for not even being there after giving him all the time to be with his friends.

When I’m about to go back to their place, I saw him coming. I would have been happy to see him and hear his story and go to another place (because I know he’ll ask me to go with his friends) but I was just so mad.

How could some ungrateful guy be there with me? Why could he not take a 3 minutes walk just to pick me up or ask me that he needed more time? Instead, he decided that he couldn’t leave without taking those pix from his friend’s laptop. He decided to let that girl who’s been alone in the mall for hours to feel forgotten.
He’s done it before. He only thinks what’s practical or more comfortable for him. I’m just a lap dog. Someone that he’s with when he doesn’t have company. When he does have company, I become no one
.
Now, I was thinking of canceling everything. My plans for our upcoming date, seeing him for the weekend, giving him a boost of support. He doesn’t need me .. I realize that now. I’m just no one. Just someone to toss out when he’s with his friends. And that’s something that he decides to do almost every time that he’s with his friends. I don’t need ‘sorry’ and I don’t need someone who’ll hurt me over and over. I don’t need him. Why do I even stay? Because of love? I’m insane for staying after not being appreciated. I should wake up very soon. Or soon enough, I’ll lose me.

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I've been busy and… happy! That's my excuse for not blogging for the past weeks. And now that I've got tons to do here at the house - I chose to be a couch potato, watch tv, surf the Net and eat (a lot!). But lately, I've been going through a lot of frustrations. Those frustrations actually lead me back here, my blog. I know it's odd that I only blog when I'm depressed or frustrated and couldn't blog any happy stuffs. On my defense, happy memories are hard to describe and write about. Details are needed to give the readers the same feeling. But frustrating events? They're quite easy to write. Most, if not all, readers have been beaten up and could easily related on such staffs.

So let me start with that condominium that I wasn't able to get. Great location, love the floor plan, but costs 3M! And the payment plans? 10-40-50! Where do I get that kind of money with my line of work? C'mon, who am I kiddin'? My salary is only for a single person. I can't even rent my own place or invest on something for my future!
Right after the holidays, work started. I mean, for my line of work, I've been working even during the holidays. Though, now, everything doesn't feel right. I realized that I don't get that much of a salary (after that condominium thing), that I can't change career (due to lack of experience), that yearly I lost close friends from work (they either change company or just grew apart), that I might get old doing the same boring thing.


Now, I can't even do what I want when I want to do it – travel. I wanted to go to EK (Enchanted Kingdom) last month (just because I feel like it) but seems like I can't (he said we don't have a ride – he didn't even checked the website – and apparently, it's more exciting when his friends has asked him). But hey, I'm probably a boring person to be with, ayt? Then I got the idea of taking a leave on my birthday, I pitched the idea to him. And guess what, he gave me a big NO because he'll be busy that time. I bet he didn't even remember that the date I'm asking is... my birthday! I couldn't blame him though, he's a busy person. And even if I wanted to travel on my own, I can't. He'll get mad. I feel like, he got to go to those trainings and have fun or go on vacation with his family (I can't go on those, not without filing a VL 3 months before)… yet, I can't even go places because he doesn't have time or we don't have a time that fits. I'll still try to go to places though, even if I have to do it by myself (as in alone).


I'm in a relationship wherein we don't actually have monthsary or anniversary, coz I haven't said YES. I haven't decided on things yet. There are things that I need to figure out myself – like do I want to be with a guy whose idea of not hurting me is by not telling me things, like do I want to trust a guy who have hurt me a number of times because of another girl, like do I want to be with someone who's more excited on trips pitched in by his friends, like can I stand someone who keeps forgetting promises. But to his defense, he's changing (I do see the changes) and I'm happy! Even if the changes took years. Baby steps, I guess.

Well, that's me, for now. 2009 has just started and I hope there's not much of a frustration ahead of me. Lookin' forward for happy times, ayt!

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